Monday, April 4, 2011

I was lost and I didn't even know it

I was a typical, active happy kid.  I celebrated Christmas and was taught to live by the rules of the Ten Commandments.  My parents divorced when I was three.  I went to church with my dad when I went to visit him.  The people spoke of a God with hellfire and brimstone, so I decided to be good and maybe He would not notice me. 

As I grew up, I thought Christians were happy people, but they seems like they were missing all the fun.  I did not want to become a God puppet with strings attached to me that wouldn't let me have fun. 

Then I became a College graduate.  I had my first back surgery at 21.  A kind man of God poked his head into my room the night before my surgery.  I was alone and scared.  He asked if I knew God and if I wanted him to pray with me.  my response was, "I don't want to meet God right now"- but my thoughts said, (Cuz then he will notice me, send a lighting bolt at me for all the bad stuff I have done and I'll die on the operating table tomorrow).  He said OK and left the room.

Then I lost my mother and grandparents in a house fire.  I got married 3 months later and had my first child a year and 9 months later.  I had made a terrible mistake.  I married the wrong person and I refused to divorce like my parents.  Two more children and ten years later life was just miserable.  Actually it was to the point I felt like it was killing me.

Late one night I feel to my knees , alone in my den, and I asked God to come into my life and save me from the life I was in.  "If you are real God, then I believe.  Help me!"  No strings were attached.  No lighting bolt was cast down on my head.  No barriers were put up to keep me from doing anything fun.  But, things began to change in me.  I understood the bible then.  I understood the stories and the meanings. 

Ten more years passed.  I had made a promise to God for better or worse in the marriage.  I stayed, but the relationship grew way way worse.  It was during these years that the art sprang forth.  HOPE.  We all need it in times of trouble or fear.  FAITH.  We all need something real to believe in.  LOVE.  We all need it in order to live a full life.   MERCY.  We all need it because we all mess up because we are human and a do-over is granted.   

Why is it that during the hard times we learn the most about ourselves and grow?  We are forced to change or remain in that dark place.  Well, I got a divorce.  I'm still sad that it came to that, but I am grateful that I survived the last 25 years and came out the other side a wiser happier me again.  I have tested the word of God in my own life and seen it to always be true.  I have studied the bible for years and I am constantly amazed at the truth in all of it.  

God does not turn his back on us.  We turn our back on him.  God does not move in our lives unless we ask for his help because he gave us free will.  God does not do bad things to us, we do it to ourselves or others because of that free will.  We blame God for the things that he has no part in. We get mad because we want everyone to go to heaven and God says there is only one way to get there.  But everyone is invited to enter.  If you don't want to follow the rules, then God will let you.  But don't blame God for your choice.  If you ever decide to change your mind....I can tell you first hand...God is just watching and waiting with a never ending love for us all to decide to come home to him.  I made my choice.  I don't regret it one minute.